BIRTHDAYS, am I right? They're just so... predictable. Every year like clockwork, the same old parties, the same cracks about getting old, the same legal notices advising you the restraining orders issued by your favorite boy band are still in effect...
So I say, if you can't beat 'em, make them worse for everyone else.
Does it help or hurt that her name is Penny? Asking for a friend. Whose name is Penny.
You know how people love it when you call attention to their seasonal allergies?
Boo to the Ya.
("See, it's funny, because your health is poor and that constant sniffing annoys the rest of us! Did you get that? Oh, you did? Cool. Just wanted to make sure. )
I'll be honest, I don't think Willow needed to know this:
SO I APPROVE.
Now Willow, you can retaliate with THIS:
Bonus: this could be botched "cheapskate" OR it could be calling Kate cheap. Either way, I think we ALL come out winners here.
And finally, for those times when the words "You're a horse's a$$, Dad" just aren't enough:
Or is that a donkey butt?
WAIT... no. Could it be? Is that...
Is that an ass's a$$?
YESSSSS. So is it like when you say someone is a "real man's man"? Meaning Dad here is a "real ass's a$$?"
I'm tearing up. It's so beautiful.
Thanks to Brandi D., Maryann S., Anony M., Jeannette M., & Anony T. who think I'm ridiculous for censoring one a$$ but not the other. Yes, yes I am. Now, bottom's up!
Ever see a cake so deliberately confusing that you're sure you're missing something obvious?
I mean, look at this thing:
Someone went through a massive amount of effort - different colors, squiggle techniques, flotsam arrangement - all to make a senseless, saggy clown volcano. Why? What does it mean?
Or how about this snapshot of prehistoric life found in a bakery window?
How I imagine this went down:
"Is that a bridge over all the dinosaurs?"
"Yeah. The Brooklyn Bridge."
".... are you sure?"
And now, what appears to be candy corn, sandwiched between two half-rounds of plain cake, all smashed onto a bed of... pimento... brains?
Remember when balloons on cake was a thing? And flowers? Those were the days.
And finally, Susan found this under the heading (heh) "Naughty but Nice," so I assume it's NSFW... but I can't for the life of me figure out HOW:
Somebody get me a old priest, a young priest, and an anatomy book.
Thanks to Vanessa, Jacob B., Andrea P., & Susan C. for the world's naughtiest furry hockey stick.
Stacey had a flowery paper plate she wanted her cake to match, so she brought it in to her bakery and asked them to use it as a reference for the decorations.
Unfortunately, what her baker heard wasn't so much "use this as a color/flower reference" as it was "Take this plate, cram it in the photocopier, print it on edible paper, and smack that shiz on some cake. But be sure to place it at a super weird angle, so it looks wrong no matter which way it's facing.
Yes, really. This is exactly what I want you to do."
Do I even need a drum roll anymore? Tell you what, instead, just imagine more of an "angry chickens thwacking you in the face" kind of sound. Seems more apropos.
[sniff] It's.. IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL.
Thanks to Stacey W., who promises to glare at any and everyone who chimes in to say at least the border icing matches. YOUR MOVE, COMMENTERS.
Bakers, I know today's topic is a toughie. Heck, after gathering all of these photos even *I* can't remember how to spell it. But that's why I'm here. To "help." And because going anywhere else requires pants.
Right. Here we go. Metaphorically, I mean. Just wipe that "pants" imagery from your mind. Also my use of the word "wipe" just now - that was an unfortunate stream of consciousness thing. Don't say "stream." Crap. Um... look, my number 1 priority here is that you know I DON'T PEE MY PANTS.
Phew! Glad I nipped that in the butt before it got weird.
Bud. I MEANT "BUD."
Great. Now how do I segue this back to anniversary cakes?
7 Handy Steps To Writing "Anniversary"
Eh, that works.
1. First and foremost, make sure you're spelling the right word.
This is not the right word.
2. Watch out for abbreviations.
Believe me, nobody likes sharing their anniversary with another woman.
Especially this "Ann" character, who really gets around.
3. Next, WE SPELL.
But not like this.
If you're feeling less than confident, here's a hint: the correct spelling has MORE than 7 letters:
...but less than 13:
And this is right out:
4. NO CHEATING.
Besides, cheating can lead to this situation:
Er, I meant the cake, but if you think about it, I suppose cheating *could* lead to 60 weddings. You know, if you're really committed... to the opposite of that.
I blame Ann.
5. If you are going to leave the word off, at least get the numbereth righteth:
1th, 2th, 3th times a lady...
6. And if you have the penmanship of a serial killer, maaaaybe rethink this particular career path:
Or at least stick to Halloween cakes.
And Boss's Day. Boss's Day works, too.
7. When all else fails...
Go with Batman.
Thanks to Dina M., Keith M., Robbie R., Anony M., Tori R., Nathan R., Vera L., Jennifer K., Sarah R., Corinna K., Z.C., & Adam M. for the reminder that your anniversary cake should always be itself, unless it can be Batman. Then it should be Batman.
Did you survive Giraffe Watch this month? You know, that thing where the entire internet held its collective breath waiting for April the giraffe to have her baby?
(Spoiler Alert: April had the baby... in April. She's meta like that.)
If so, then LOOKIE:
(By Little Apple Cakes)
How perfect is this?!
In fact, I decided that April Showers was just the theme we needed this week.
Although these won't all have giraffes. Sorry.
I think you'll forgive me once you see this, though:
(By Cup N' Cake)
A moment of appreciation, please, for the parents who threw a ninja-themed baby shower:
You long-time readers might recall John and painted a ninja-themed nursery once, so this sings the song of my geeky lil' heart.
As a life-long lover of puns, I also dig the more literal interpretations of a "shower" cake:
(By Always With Cake!)
Plus how great are those colors?
Or if you're having twins, how about this Sweet take on "two peas in a pod"?
(By McGreevey Cakes)
Of course, the classics never go out of style:
(By Little Hunnys Cakery)
And sometimes a cute little stork with pastel bunting is just what the doctor ordered.
(By The Cake Cuppery)
Or a baby vampire in a gothic spiked buggy!
Wait. OK, maybe that's not exactly traditional... but I still love it.
Will I ever get tired of sleepy woodland creatures on cakes?
No, no I will not. ::grabby hands::
(That fox! Ah! And the flower swag is perfection.)
And finally, I'll end with the one I fell in love with for its unusual, stunning design:
(By Silvia Mancini)
See, THIS is the way to do a belly cake! A gorgeous blend of 2D painting with 3D sculpting, and the flower is just the right crowning touch. Pun intended. Love it.
Happy Sunday, everyone! Hope it's extra Sweet!
PARENTAL NOTE: Best keep the little ones away today. I think this is mostly safe for work, though. Mostly. [evil grin]
Some of my favorite new submissions this week:
I'm sensing there's a story here:
And I kinda love how this bakery advertises that they're 50 years old - so mature! so established! - RIGHT NEXT to their poop cakes:
Anyone else immediately "go" to this?
We all are, Danny. WE ALL ARE.
(Also, can we talk about how intentional poop cakes don't look NEARLY as sh*tty as the unintentional ones? No? Allllllrighty then.)
Bakers, minions, makers and binions - we've been through this. Right? I mean, I thought I was *very* clear last time. Apparently this needs repeating, though, so here goes.
Ahem hem hem.
UNICORNS DON'T HAVE DONGS ON THEIR HEADS.
Buck up, it's gonna be a bum-py ride.
I'm starting to think you guys are missing the point on purpose, just so I'll write more of my awesome "horny" puns. And they are awesome. But still. Cut it out.
And speaking of things that are happy to see you, here's the one kind of troll you WANT on the internet:
...aaaand here's how a baker trolls a Troll cake:
Thanks to Laura H., Susan O., Anony M., & Anony T. for the most excellent wreckporting.