Getting A Bad Vibe Here

Aug. 23rd, 2017 01:00 pm
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Posted by Jen

Attn Parents: This post is not appropriate for young children. Or adults, really, but I won't tell if you won't.  

Since I know you're curious about the behind-the-scenes workings here at Cake Wrecks, I thought I'd provide you with the actual dialogue between me and John while discussing a cake.

This cake:

Ready? Here goes.


Me: [calling to other room] "Hey, you don't know any vibrator puns, do you?"

John: [crossing the distance in approximately .7 seconds] "What are you working on?"

Me: "Oh, it's this one. I've got the 'bad vibe' thing going for the title, but now I'm at a loss. What else do you call these things? Do you know any euphemisms?"

John: [staring] "What's it supposed to be?"

Me: "Beats me. It just looks like a giant pink finger."

[both of us pause]

Me: "Hey, I bet that's one."

John: [unable to speak due to laughter]

John: [getting his breath back] "You HAVE to write this down."

Annnnd that's about it. By the way, I feel this is an excellent time to mention that, yes indeedy, we actually get paid now to do this. Living' the dream, people. We're livin' the dream.

Oh, and neither Lis B. nor I have any idea what that cake is supposed to be. However, since it was in the "kids cakes" gallery on the bakery's website I'm guessing it's probably some perfectly innocent character from a cartoon or something. No doubt many of you are preparing to point this out in the comments, too, so that the rest of us look like pervy malcontents. So, you know, I've got that to look forward to.

Livin' the dream, man. Livin'. The. Dream.

*****

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Comic for August 23, 2017

Aug. 23rd, 2017 11:59 pm
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Stop. Helping.

Aug. 22nd, 2017 01:00 pm
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Posted by Jen

It's only natural, I know. You see all the wreckage on this blog and you think, "Ok, but surely I can keep my order from being wrecked, right? I mean, all I have to do is help the baker out a little!

"Why, if I just spell it out clearly, military style..."

Nice job, Ace.

 

"Or maybe if I write it all down...

 

"And if I indicate which part is the actual text..."

 

"Um... Or what if I ask for just a single letter? That's easy, right?"

Color me impressed. Or magenta. 

 

"Ok, fine, I get it. You've made your point. No text. I guess I'll just ask for a flower or something."

 "AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGHHH!!"

 

Thanks to Katy E., Cristina B., Terry M., Brandt H., & Anony M. for making this post literally painful. 

*****

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Comic for August 22, 2017

Aug. 22nd, 2017 11:59 pm
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I Can See Clearly Now... And... EW

Aug. 21st, 2017 01:00 pm
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Posted by Jen

I don't remember my 2012 slang very well - was this an actual thing people said?

"You're eggs is prego."

There are so many things wrong with that sentence, my brain just imploded.

 

Still, at least it was a "closed belly" shower.

What does that mean?

Aw, I'M SO GLAD YOU ASKED.

BEHOLD!!

The "Peek-A-Boo, I Eat You" Appetite-Suppress-Inator!

(Have I been watching too much Phineas and Ferb reruns? Yes, yes I have.)

 

Now, that's pretty good, but you must admit: the baby-embedded-in-clear-gelatin is kind of hard to see.

So for maximum "Inator" effectiveness, we're gonna need to open that baby (belly) up.

THAT'S BETTER.

[head tilt]

Hmmm, but is it possible to make the whole thing shinier?

You know, in a more seeping, moist, and gelatinous kind of way?

YES!

Just think, with these Appetite-Suppress-Inators, soon, Cake Wrecks will RULE the ENTIRE TRI-STATE AREA! Mwuah-ha-haaaa!

 

Thanks to Rish, Rachel G., Karen Q., & Diana M., who'd all look adorable in brown fedoras, I just know it.

*****

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Comic for August 21, 2017

Aug. 21st, 2017 11:59 pm
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Sunday Sweets: Filibuster Edition

Aug. 20th, 2017 01:00 pm
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Posted by Jen

A friend once told me, "I love all your posts, but I have to admit, on Sundays you could really write anything. I'm just there for the gorgeous cakes."

Hey, works for me! So, let's see, all I need is to pull together a bunch of amazing cakes, like this:

(By BMT Cake Designs)

...and then fill up the page with whatever I want. It's a Sweets filibuster!

 

Does anybody have a copy of Green Eggs and Ham?
No? Ok, never mind. I'll improvise.

(By Jessicakes)

But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, Who is already sick and pale with grief, That thou her maid art far more fair than she.

 

(By Mike's Amazing Cakes)

A towel is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitchhiker can have. You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches of Santraginus V ... and of course dry yourself off with it if it still seems to be clean enough.

 

(By Mishelle Handy Cakes, pic by David Baxter Photography)

I read some 4 and 5 star reviews by those who used this device successfully to change a baby while driving. On that basis, I bought one. I put my baby on it and drove for over an hour. It did not change. Same baby. I am glad it worked for some people but I will be returning mine.

 

(By Cotton and Crumbs)

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

 

(By Iced and Dazzle, pic by Erin Schaefgen Photography)

I hated her... SOOO... much, it - flame, flames? Flames, on the side of my face, breathing - breath, heaving breaths. Heaving breaths... Heathing...

 

(By Cakes Decor member Ria123)

Up up down down left right left right B A start.

 

(By Lovely Cakes)

"You are using Bonetti's defense against me, ah?"
"I thought it fitting, considering the rocky terrain."
"Naturally, you must expect me to attack with Capo Ferro."
"Naturally, but I find that Thibault cancels out Capo Ferro, don't you?"

 

(By Rosebud Cakes)

...and I believe you should put a woman on a pedestal.. high enough so you can look up her dress. And I believe in equality, equality for everyone.. no matter how stupid they are, or how much better I am than they are. And, people say I'm crazy for believing this, but I believe that robots are stealing my luggage.

 

(By Cakes By Beth)

A king cake is a type of cake associated in a number of countries with the festival of Epiphany at the end of the Christmas season, and in other places with the pre-Lenten celebrations of Mardi Gras / Carnival. The cake often has a small plastic baby (said to represent Baby Jesus) inside (or sometimes placed underneath), and the person who gets the piece of cake with the trinket has various privileges and obligations.

 

(By Party Flavors Custom Cakes, photo by Amanda McMahon Photography)

1. Take ice tray over to the sink and fill it with cold water.
2. Place the water-filled ice tray back in the freezer.
3. Shut the door to the freezer.

 

(By Neli Josefson)

During the rectification of the Vuldrini, the traveler came as a large and moving Torg! Then, during the third reconciliation of the last of the McKetrick supplicants, they chose a new form for him: that of a giant Slor! Many Shuvs and Zuuls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of the Slor that day, I can tell you!

That's it! The filibuster's over.

Thank goodness these Sweets speak for themselves.

*****

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Comic for August 20, 2017

Aug. 20th, 2017 11:59 pm
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Comic for August 19, 2017

Aug. 19th, 2017 11:59 pm
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This One's For The Girls

Aug. 18th, 2017 01:00 pm
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Posted by Jen

(ATTENTION MOMS: this post may be mildly inappropriate for young children.)

 

Alright ladies, it's OUR turn.

That's right: it's time to turn the tables on all those chauvinistic guys who order the boob or butt cakes, rendering the female form as nothing more than an object - and an edible one at that! It's time to ogle the MALE form in cake for once, and show them how it feels! You heard me, gentlemen: prepare... to be objectified!! [rubbing hands together] Heheheh. This is gonna be awesome.

Ok, let's start the show!

First up, ladies, check out this sexy little...

Oh.

["Urp"ing noise]

Sorry, sorry. Uh, yeah, Julie B.? This one's really not doing anything for me. In fact, the neck hump area is kind of grossing me out.

 

Not to worry, though; there's more where that came from. Next!

Huh.

Um, Donna B., not that I don't appreciate the liberal use of painted-on under-arm hair (and other hair which I was kind enough to cover - you're welcome) and the whole "good luck on your wedding night" sentiment, but again, this is really having more of the opposite effect on me. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that it looks like the chest of a pasty-white prepubescent.

 

Ohhhkay. Now I just creeped myself out, looking at this. [averting eyes] Next! NEXT!!

Whoa! I think we just went to the other extreme; this guys looks to be about 70. And is it just me, or does he have a bunch of raisins on his chest? That, or his chest hair has gone all matted and clumpy.

[gagging] Rapidly. Losing. Appetite.

By the way, Amanda E., not that I'm complaining, but I don't think he has any nipples. Again, NOT complaining. Really. Put those raisins down, woman!

 

Oh, look: Tam & Annabel found Mr. Heard-it-through-the-grapevine's bottom half, and it begs the question...

Is acupuncture ever a good package deal? Just wondering.

 

Ok, this is ridiculous. I don't feel like we've objectified any guys at all with these cakes! Sarah W., you're our last hope. Bring it, sistah.

Aaaugh!! My eyes! My seared, bleeding eyes!

What this headless, neckless, armless, and legless torso lacks in limbs it certainly makes up for with day-glo orange streakiness. Not to mention that it exudes a kind of sinister intelligence: I swear it's looking at me.

In fact, here's a hypothetical for y'all: You get up in the middle of the night, and turn suddenly to find this cake hopping along behind you. Do you:

a) scream
b) laugh
c) grab a fork or
d) all of the above?

[sigh]

Well, ladies, I'm sorry: our quest to objectify men using cakes has failed. But on the bright side, we'll always have Tom Selleck - right?

*****

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Comic for August 18, 2017

Aug. 18th, 2017 11:59 pm
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The REAL King Cake

Aug. 17th, 2017 01:00 pm
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Posted by Jen

Yesterday was the 40th anniversary of Elvis Presley's death, so I thought I'd feature some appropriate cakes. However, I realize many of our younger readers may not be familiar with The King. So listen up, whipper snappers! Picture an older, more talented, better looking, Southern Justin Bieber wearing a white, bedazzled jumpsuit.

...

Also, he may or may not be dead.

...

Maybe don't picture that part.

 

Right. All together now? Then let's get started!

 

This is Elvis:

Rawr! Ffft ffft...

 

This...

...is not Elvis.  I'm thinking either Ray Liotta or Wayne Newton.

 

Elvis:

Not Elvis:

John claims this looks like Jimmy Durante. It's like I don't even know who he is anymore. (John, I mean. Jimmy I had to wiki.)

 

Elvis:

 

Um...

I'm going with Liza Minelli.

 

Elvis:

Oh! Wait! I know this one!

The Brawny paper towel guy!

 

And finally, Elvis:

Annnnnd:

Queen Amidala. Or maybe one of the guys from Menudo. (Thanks, John!)

No, no, I'm staying with Amidala.

 

Thanks to Paula H., Diana C., Connie B., and Chrissy K. who are all, collectively, nuthin' but hound dogs. And oh! The crying! ALL the TIME! Enough, already!

Ah thank you. Thankyouverramuuuch.

 

Update from john: The Munsters! The last one looks like the kid from The Munsters! I knew it was something with an "M" from my childhood.

*****

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Comic for August 17, 2017

Aug. 17th, 2017 11:59 pm
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Wedding Wrecks

Aug. 16th, 2017 01:00 pm
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Posted by Jen

Pay very close attention to these cake pairs, now; I wouldn't want you to get the Wreck mixed up with the Inspiration Cake. [eye roll]

First up:

 

Elodie M. asked her baker to do this, only with far fewer rose petals. The baker obliged by providing this:

Ah, nothing symbolizes the beginning of a new life with the one you love quite like shriveled old rose petals. On the plus side, at least they distract the eye away from the poor cake construction. The weird grass sprigs sprouting haphazardly from the side and top help in that arena, too.

 

Next, Claire G. discovered the hard way how important "pipemanship" (as opposed to penmanship) is.

What she wanted:

(I believe this is from Martha Stewart.)

 

What she got:

Such delicacy, such grace...

By the by, I don't monogram much, but I think the middle initial is supposed to be larger than the other two. I also think that if "msk" were a word, it would accurately describe the leveling job done on the leaning wonder here.

 

And lastly, Hannah W. asked for this, only with square tiers instead of round:

 

She even brought in the brown ribbon and fresh blue hydrangeas for the bakery to use. Pretty simple, right? Just make some white square tiers. But you know how some bakeries are, always complicating things...

Let's see. Misshapen layers, lumpy icing, no ribbon, electric teal icing "flowers"... What seems to be the problem, Hannah?

*****

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Comic for August 16, 2017

Aug. 16th, 2017 11:59 pm
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In The Not So Distant Future

Aug. 15th, 2017 01:00 pm
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Posted by Jen

Greetings. I am Siri3000, your automated cake decorator. How may I help you?

"Siri, I need a cake."

*dingding*
I am programmed with 12 billion different cake styles. What kind of cake would you like?

"Well, I was kinda hoping for a soccer cake..."

*dingding*
I have made 23,000 soccer cakes. Commencing slideshow mode.

Cake 1:

"Um, you don't have to show me every ca..."

 

Cake 2:

"Really, this isn't necessary..."

 

Cake 3:

"Ok, I get the idea."

 

Cake 4:

"STOP!"

 

...
*dingding*
May I help you with something else?

"Okay. Yes. The cake is for my team..."

*dingding*
Making By Tim cake:

"NO! TEAM. Like a sports team. It's the Trojans..."

 

*dingding*
Making Trojan covered cake.

That will be $374.50. Charging credit card...

"WAIT! I wanted a photo cake!"

 

*dingding*
Making photo cake.

[flash bulb goes off]

"What - NO! Not of ME!!

"Okay, STOP! Just... stop. I don't have the photo for the cake now, but I will bring it in. Okay?

Siri?

...

 

*dingding*

 

Thanks to Aimee P., Victoria W., Jarrod P., Jenna K., Melanie W., Lorie B., Bridget & Jarrod, Daphne G., and especially to our friend Teeter of Red Rocket Farm for the inspiration:

................

Did I make you laugh? Do you shop Amazon? Then how about clicking through my affiliate link to shop? By visiting Amazon through that link, CW will earn a small percentage of your purchase - but it costs you nothing. NOTHING, I say!

Together, we can achieve wrecky world domination!! Or at least keep our respective cats fed. Either way, s'all good. Thanks, guys!

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